Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
the rocks need my help
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
i like to flex on them by shrugging
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice