May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
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5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
BRO LMFAO
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats