Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?