How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
You Might Also Like
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
get you a girl who
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??