Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?