There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
jesus christ confetti not now
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety