Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Wedding planning is organized crime.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?