My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Here’s a meme
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
incredible text to wake up to
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…