If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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I love you to the refrigerator and back
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The internet is full of many things
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying