*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Another interesting #factupdates post!
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same