Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.