my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting