[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Probably my best painting.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”