Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Sign of the day..
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”