Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
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That was easy.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.