priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
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Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
This could’ve been an email.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Ferrari squats
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer