(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
never ask a starfish for directions
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast