Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
who wore it better?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.