google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
![]()
You Might Also Like
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Well, this certainly took a turn
![]()
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own