google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
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You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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