Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?