the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
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Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel