*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
congratulations to them
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.