1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Yup.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.