When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I want what they have
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
mmm onion ringos
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man