I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
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[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates