would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
So creative 😂
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.