Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
You Might Also Like
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
*seductively eats two tums*
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.