When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Well, this certainly took a turn
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape