[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
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FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
*pokes sex life with a stick
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.