ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
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I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet