[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
You Might Also Like
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
accurate
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?