Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Cause of death: Zumba
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I forgot how to panic. Help