Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
You have been warned.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline