GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.