Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how