If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.