sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The Punning Dead.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.