British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
no refunds
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.