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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Netflix and you sit over there.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some