A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
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Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
A customer told me they were never coming back….
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.