“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
i want the dreams to chase me for once
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.