If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?