I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers