I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*launders Kohls cash*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.