I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Body by sandwich.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.