Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”