No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked