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INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
This will never not be funny to me.
How do you like your Corgi?