News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“i miss shittin on people”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*