4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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